Crappy Food Critic #01: Totino’s Bold Ranch Blasted Crust Pepperoni Rolls


Despite being a revolting fleshbag, I haven’t consumed pizza rolls on a regular basis in over a decade. In a world of
EXTREME flavor, they no longer cut the mustard. Triple cheese? Who do I look like, Kevin McCallister? So it took a not-insignificant amount of deliberation before deciding to take the plunge on these.

I chose the ranch-blasted flavor, but they also come in a cheddar-blasted variety, suggesting that Totino’s has taken a cue from Taco Bell and their Doritos Locos Tacos. I’m a big fan of the Dorito taco, and it’s good to see that its groundbreaking strides in foundational flavoring are influencing other giants in the junk food realm. The ranch dust also appealed to me because it obviates the need for a combination of items I’ve long been in the minority (in my neck of the woods, anyway) in finding utterly disgusting: pizza and ranch dressing.

It would appear that the texture of pizza rolls has changed since last I ate them. Time was, they were flaky but otherwise untextured, resembling nothing so much as a pillow with pizza in it. Nowadays, they’re ribbed for your mouth’s pleasure, making it easier to take multiple bites and stave off the temptation of cramming the whole thing in your mouth at once. More time to savor the flavors, both inside and out. Net change: positive.

I went ahead and plated 11, since even if they weren’t as great as I thought they were going to be, I’d have powered through all of them anyway. As it turns out, there was no need to force myself to the finish line: these things are amazing, and I could have easily eaten twice as many as I did, if not the entire bag. Ranching up the crust/dough/outer shell/whatever is such a strong elemental change that I very well may not be able to eat pizza rolls in the future without it.[1]

In fact, they’re so good that they may have to go on the list of “foods I have to be really careful with or I’ll end up eating the whole package in a single day”. They’re only $3.49 at Target. If you’re not terribly concerned about the solidity of your deuces and you just want to take a Greyhound to Flavor City, Totino’s Bold Ranch Blasted Crust Pepperoni Rolls make a good quick fix. Hie thee to a bag today!


[1] I have to be careful about getting too attached to foods that blow my mind because when they taste too good, they always turn out to be “limited edition” items that won’t be around very long. I checked the bag, and there’s nothing along those lines on it, so I think as long as it sells okay, I’m safe.

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